This past month has been an emotional roller coaster, during the time of Christmas everyone is suppose to be cheerful and giving. And I would have to say I was faking the cheerful and hated my gift that was taken away.
I was given the news from 3 little pee sticks that I was pregnant. How far a long? I had no idea, all I knew that I was so excited!!! It is funny how things were planned that week, I had a doctors appt already planned in three days. So for three days, I thought I was going to be a mom, for three days I was planning the life of my son or daughter and for three day I was the happiest I think I have ever been. Obviously marrying Joe was a great and a happy moment, but this happiness was different. I went to the doctors and told them that I took a test and I wanted them to take a blood test. Waiting for the results was so aggravating, but the doctor came back and said yup your pregnant. Then she asked me if they can do an ultrasound just to make sure. I am now glad I said yes, because within a couple moments of reading her facial expression and how she said "hmmm" I could tell that something was not right. Something was wrong, I had a miscarriage. The explain the baby was older than a month but less than two months, and they kept sharing more painful details. I did not cry, I just stared and did not know what to say. For within an hour I went from being happy, crazy excited then depressed.
From their on, I kept this all a secret. I didn't want Joe to be depressed and upset, I didn't want my parents to be disappointed in us getting pregnant, I thought people would be so judgmental because we are still young and in college. This was not a planned event, we are not planning on trying to have babies until we move to California or later.
Finally letting Joe and my family know about everything, was probably the best thing I could of done. But it hurt so much having to admit the lost, because then it became real. That was the last thing I wanted this to become, real.
It took a couple weeks, a couple friend visits, a lot of city wine celler lunches for me to be told to grieve the lost but you can't let this loss bring down your life. I have taken everyone's advice and I am finally moving on. I have one last thing I want to do before closing this door, so I receive closure.
All I know is that one day Joe and I will be parents and we will be great parents, and they will have great aunts and uncles, and great grand-parents. I look forward to the day when I am blessed with kids from God.
I love my husband, he is great. Everyone should be jealous. =D
